This should be a short passage, as I have very little time to type. 

I can say that I am struggling, struggling to feel loved, to not want to cry, to not feel threatened by situations my anxiety concocts. I have mental given it to God, but emotionally I can do nothing but cry out for help. I can want to know God more. I want to feel Him with His arms wrapped around me. 

I need God to be a part of my emotions. I’m a very emotional person and can’t let that get in the way of my relationship with God, anymore so than it actual does. 

God, please come into these bad feelings and beliefs and do as you will. I need You.

Is Missing Something OK?

Today, I was thinking about what it’s like to miss something, whether it be a feeling or event or memory or whatever. Is it ok to miss something? (Not someone, that’s different)

I concluded that I feel like it’s ok to miss something, but God did put us in the present moment for a reason. We are called to live our lives as Christians, not to avoid living our lives by constant fantasizing and reminiscing.

However, in that conclusion, the word “constant” plays a big part, so it leaves the question of, “What about if it’s not constant?” and to that, I say that answer is, “Yes, it is ok to miss things, provided we thank God for giving us something that makes saying goodbye to so hard.” [A/N: High-five to those of you who caught that!]

So I guess my conclusion wasn’t all that complete, but however God feels on the matter most definitely is. ❤

Is Missing Something OK?

A Prayer for Relationships

Dear God,

Teach me how to be pure and holy. Help me to be as deserving of this person’s love as I can be. Soften my heart, grant me Grace to do your Holy Will and let nothing stop me. Take control of me; let every thought, every touch, every embrace be guided by Your Holy Spirit so that the utmost love may be expressed and felt through and in both parties. Help me to be more like You. Help me to be humble, to be loved, to be pure, to be understanding and free from judgements. Help me to know what not to do before it’s too late. Help me to heal. Help me to be more like You, Lord God. Help us be more like You.

Most importantly, make us into You. Take over our existences so that we may imitate You to the fullest extent possible. It would be the highest honor we could experience here on Earth.

Thank You, Lord, for bringing someone so beautiful into my life.

Love,

AP

A Prayer for Relationships

Fallen from Grace, but Hopeful

I find that certain ways of being swept up in sin are glorified by society.

The most recent sin of mine that sticks out in my head is not going to church today.

I’m not entirely sure that’s glorified, but I think a lot of the world unfortunately accepts it when things are going ok. I’ve had conversations like, “If things are going great then we should be in church praising God, not ignoring Him!” with the person I was talking to showcasing a bit of despair and self-righteousness.

Now, again, the tables are turned. I’m the one who feels pulled away from God. I’m the one worrying and trying to not despair. I’ve been this way so many times before, but the difference now is that God repaired me then, so I broke a part of me that was already broken then. (I hope that makes sense) So it’s kind of like I started fresh this time. That makes it hurt in a different way. I’m not numb anymore. I’m hurting from this separation from God, from all the progress I’ve made with Him. My heart grieves and keeps asking me, “Why didn’t you go?” I have no good excuse. I have my reasons, but none of them justify not doing what God asks.

However, despite all this, I still have Him. Praying for Grace didn’t hurt. Praying the name of Jesus over and over didn’t hurt. I smiled during the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, when I would normally ache for the world. God showed me faith and told me He forgave me. He gave me the chance to accept His Grace. That didn’t hurt. I was scared that I would mess up again. I am still a bit scared of falling away from God too much, but the good news is that He’ll always be there to bring me back. Even if I mess up purposefully, even when I knowingly sin, even when I don’t try my best, He will still be there for me to run back to, with open arms and a smile ready for me.

I don’t deserve it. Even if I was more effective at minimizing my sinfulness, I still wouldn’t. Thankfully, He loves me. He loves all  of His creations. He won’t help the people I pray for because I pray for them. He won’t not help them because I couldn’t focus during my prayers or fell asleep while saying them or did something wrong before. It says in the Bible that the prayers of a righteous man are powerful. I am definitely not righteous. I wish I was, but alas…

But God accepts my prayers anyway. He helps people because He loves them, not because we deserve it.

I don’t deserve Him welcoming me back every time I mess up. I don’t deserve to have a church so close to me to be able to attend. But He gives me that anyway, because He loves me. He loves all of us. He wants to be close to us-everyone. He will continue to bring me back, time after time. He will continue to accept everyone, regardless their sins, time after time, provided they are sorry for their sins. Sometimes, it’s hard to feel sorry. Sometimes, letting ourselves feel sorry is a very, very scary thing, but we can trust in God, always.

I can trust that God is allowing me to feel this guilt so I learn a lesson that’s for my own good. I can’t trust people to do that for me. I can’t trust myself to do that for me.

The point is, even when we are so disgraceful, God still loves us and will bless us with love, compassion, and appropriate feelings.

Fallen from Grace, but Hopeful

It’s really, really hard for me to stick around when I feel so down. I feel like everything affects me so deeply. Every past set of memories, every misunderstanding, every moment I feel less and less mental energy coming over me, I start to fall. I fall, and I rise, and I fall, and I rise, and it’s up to God to pull me back. I can hope and have faith, but it’s so hard when your mind is telling you to quit, when everyday you come across some trigger or another that sets you back five months. I trust that God will pull me out of depression, no matter how he’ll do it, I’ll eventually be ok again. His grace is sufficient for me, but it would be nice if I felt like I could live life. I don’t feel like I can, but I will as best as I can. It’s hard when all of my efforts seem to be constantly dashed. 

Doing God’s Will

I have to admit, I struggle to do all God asks.

I struggled to wake up this morning and debated for a long time not going to Mass this morning.

I struggle to pray the Rosary, to focus on both the Mystery and praying. I struggle with the timing.

I struggle with making sure the things I do in honor of God are truly what He wants me to do.

I struggle, moment after moment, to love unconditionally, to not judge, to not have to apologize for anything.

God doesn’t struggle. He loves. He gives. He strengthens.

The secret to doing God’s Will involves His Grace and Love. We can be as determined as we want to follow His law, but it is by the Grace of God that we are able to have the Holy Spirit working within us.

The secret to doing God’s Will as He wants involves being open to the Holy Spirit. God can grant us His Grace, but it is essential that our hearts remain open to receiving more and more of it. After all, are we ever really going to achieve as much Godliness as sinful people as God calls us to?

While I tend to look more at my progress than my shortcomings (when you have dealt with depression, you kind of have to take the good things wherever they may appear, even if the bad outweighs the good), I am slowly getting to the point to allow myself to be sorry for my sins, instead of just praying, accepting forgiveness, and moving on in life. It’s not that I want to dwell on my sins, exactly, but I aim to minimize them and to do God’s will more often and more thoroughly. Sometimes, this requires discernment in the form of being humbled by my faults and realizing how sin separates my from my Lord.

I can aim and pray and beg to be granted the Grace to do willingly what God wants me to do. I do. I long to be what God wants me to be,  and that’s including the longing to be willing to be what God wants.

I have started praying, “Please, Lord God, take control of all of me, of all I am, of my existence.” because I can’t do it by myself. I can’t continue on the positive path toward God with such limited understanding, love, willingness, and all He gives me.

We can never earn our salvation. We can never do enough, ever, to make up for all Jesus did/is doing for us. What we can do is the best we can.

I don’t always do the best I can. I struggle with having enough motivation, with thinking of how much I’m doing is enough, with attributing negative feelings to good deeds, but I pray that God will continue to help me. I know He will. With God, you can have your cake and eat it, too. I know He won’t control my thoughts, heart, mind, and body 24/7 because I’m sinful. He doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies those who are called. I’ll always fall short of the Glory of God while I’m on Earth, but He will never struggle. The Saints and Angels of Heaven will never struggle to carry out His Will.

I can’t do it, but God can. ::)

Doing God’s Will