Fallen from Grace, but Hopeful

I find that certain ways of being swept up in sin are glorified by society.

The most recent sin of mine that sticks out in my head is not going to church today.

I’m not entirely sure that’s glorified, but I think a lot of the world unfortunately accepts it when things are going ok. I’ve had conversations like, “If things are going great then we should be in church praising God, not ignoring Him!” with the person I was talking to showcasing a bit of despair and self-righteousness.

Now, again, the tables are turned. I’m the one who feels pulled away from God. I’m the one worrying and trying to not despair. I’ve been this way so many times before, but the difference now is that God repaired me then, so I broke a part of me that was already broken then. (I hope that makes sense) So it’s kind of like I started fresh this time. That makes it hurt in a different way. I’m not numb anymore. I’m hurting from this separation from God, from all the progress I’ve made with Him. My heart grieves and keeps asking me, “Why didn’t you go?” I have no good excuse. I have my reasons, but none of them justify not doing what God asks.

However, despite all this, I still have Him. Praying for Grace didn’t hurt. Praying the name of Jesus over and over didn’t hurt. I smiled during the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, when I would normally ache for the world. God showed me faith and told me He forgave me. He gave me the chance to accept His Grace. That didn’t hurt. I was scared that I would mess up again. I am still a bit scared of falling away from God too much, but the good news is that He’ll always be there to bring me back. Even if I mess up purposefully, even when I knowingly sin, even when I don’t try my best, He will still be there for me to run back to, with open arms and a smile ready for me.

I don’t deserve it. Even if I was more effective at minimizing my sinfulness, I still wouldn’t. Thankfully, He loves me. He loves all  of His creations. He won’t help the people I pray for because I pray for them. He won’t not help them because I couldn’t focus during my prayers or fell asleep while saying them or did something wrong before. It says in the Bible that the prayers of a righteous man are powerful. I am definitely not righteous. I wish I was, but alas…

But God accepts my prayers anyway. He helps people because He loves them, not because we deserve it.

I don’t deserve Him welcoming me back every time I mess up. I don’t deserve to have a church so close to me to be able to attend. But He gives me that anyway, because He loves me. He loves all of us. He wants to be close to us-everyone. He will continue to bring me back, time after time. He will continue to accept everyone, regardless their sins, time after time, provided they are sorry for their sins. Sometimes, it’s hard to feel sorry. Sometimes, letting ourselves feel sorry is a very, very scary thing, but we can trust in God, always.

I can trust that God is allowing me to feel this guilt so I learn a lesson that’s for my own good. I can’t trust people to do that for me. I can’t trust myself to do that for me.

The point is, even when we are so disgraceful, God still loves us and will bless us with love, compassion, and appropriate feelings.

Fallen from Grace, but Hopeful

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